By Rinikka Kapoor (Women’s wrongs editor)
In an act of collective defiance, Swifties everywhere have vowed to abandon their newfound happiness and re-enter the emotionally treacherous relationships that once inspired their favourite songs, Women’s wrongs can report
Fans had long awaited a more upbeat album after years of heartbreak anthems and existential piano tracks. But within hours of The Life of a Showgirl’s release, global reactions shifted from “queen behaviour” to “please take her phone.”
“It’s not even that it’s bad,” said one longtime fan through tears. “It’s just that… she rhymed “Kelce” with “sexy.” And then “touchdown” with “come down.” Like—she once wrote All Too Well, and now she’s doing football erotica. For what?”
Now, disillusioned Swifties are returning to their toxic exes, claiming that “at least they had better rhyme schemes than this.”
The album that launched thirteen thousand regrets:
Scientists have called the Swift depression “the largest coordinated relapse since Red (Taylor’s Version).” Only this time, Taylor’s lyrics are the direct cause of the depression.
“We realised that our sadness was the muse all along,” said one protestor holding a ‘MAKE HEARTBREAK GREAT AGAIN’ sign outside the vinyl section at Waterstones Gower Street. “We can’t let joy ruin her creative process. We’re doing this for art.”
The record dropped at midnight. By sunrise, experts confirmed that the global heartbreak index had risen 400%, and “u up?” texts were trending above “Eras Tour setlist leak”.
The Travis Kelce problem:
Much of the backlash stems from Swift’s heavy — some might say desperate — inclusion of Travis Kelce references.
The album reportedly includes lyrics such as:
“You’re my Super Bowl baby, I’ll never punt this love”
Critics describe these as “career-ending couplets” and “proof that sometimes love should stay in the DMs.”
“I didn’t sign up for ESPN-core,” one fan wrote. “She’s not even rhyming anymore, just listing sports metaphors and hoping for a Grammy. Even the mskingbean89 allegations have stopped.”
From gymbros to ghosts:
Gyms across the country have reported a mass exodus of Swifties, replaced only by the faint echo of “This Is Me Trying.” Their new place to meet men, insiders say, is “the graveyard of old Spotify Blends.”
As Swifties swear to “reconnect with the muses that mattered”, candlelight vigils have been held for Joe Alwyn, Jake Gyllenhaal, and even that one Kennedy cousin across all major cities.
“After listening to track five, I texted my ex, my ex’s ex, and my barista from 2019,” confessed one fan, clutching a rhinestoned copy of Folklore like a rosary.
The aftermath:
Though Taylor did not respond to The Cheese Grater’s or Women’s Wrongs’ request for comment, the fans have made it their mission to get their exes back — not out of love, but out of artistic necessity.
Even UCL’s Taylor Swift society was spotted reactivating old Snapchat accounts to collectively message former situationships, citing “the artistic greater good.”
Because if The Life of a Showgirl has proven anything, it’s that heartbreak made her better, but happiness made her rhyme “Travis” with “fabulous”.