Based on a true story.
I’m up at noon, like any man on a mission is. But what I want to achieve isn’t easy, it is a culmination of months of work— things falling into place, tactical manipulation and my icky yet charming disposition. I am a man, on a mission unlike any other. I
want to WILL shag that entire friend group. I can’t be bothered to remember their names so I just call them ‘One, Two, Three, Four, Five and Six”
It is now the time of the day where I send bizarre and deeply disturbing text messages to the girls on my roster. I obviously won’t talk to them exclusively at night, I don’t want them to get the wrong impression. Number Two posted a picture of her afterparty blistered feet on snapchat! I immediately swipe up on her story and type out the following projectile vomit-inducing words, as I was born with balls:
“Queue: *screen recording*…” sent. Classic. A film reference. Chicks eat that up.
Yes, as if everything about me wasn’t already distressing enough, I am what some may call a “film bro”, but I prefer the term “film connoisseur”. I love a bit of Polanski here, Tarantino there… and I will let you know of their genius.
Number Two replies with multiple concerned looking emojis. A bit dry for a response…but I know she’s secretly turned on… She loves it. She’s hooked and can’t get enough. I know this. She wants me even though she acts all distant. She underestimates my charm.
But it’s okay, she wants me so bad she hates it.
Maybe she’s still mad that I started sending unsolicited snapchat messages to her dear bestie Four, asking if she would join us for a threesome (eye roll emoji). But she doesn’t get it, I was doing it for us. Of course, when attacked… plausible deniability came to the rescue. I was JUST testing how good of a friend Four was to Two. I know how insecure she is about Four stealing me away….
In the evening, Six came over. I am a feminist, so her pleasure comes first, I go down on her, for a minute max though.
Even I know my limits.
Six..well she’s quite a feisty one, with the right amount of “daddy issues” to indulge all my fantasies (purple devil emoji).
Then I bored her to death by complaining about One. “She is SUCH a terrible, manipulative girl… borderline psychotic and a pathological liar! She told everyone that I was ‘harassing her’ incessantly on WhatsApp when I was just trying to be friends with her…lol. What a delusional freak, I never gave her a second of my day. Sure, I asked her what she was wearing non-stop everyday. But it wasn’t sexual. What a b**** (I am a feminist above all and will never say the B-word properly.)”
Anyways, Six leaves but I feel like I still have an appetite to get freaky (purple devil emoji) So as usual, I text Five. Man, these girls are so tasty, I HAVE TO GET MY FINGERS STICKY. “Wyd babe”. No response. I text her again: “Babe.. Thinking of you”. No response, again. I send her a picture of me in my gray sweatpants. That will do it. No response… she is a cunt.
I hate her.
She was ugly anyways.
Ending on a low note, unusual for a king like me. But what can I say: Long day for a man with plan. I know if I put my dick to it, I should be able to sleep with all six girls in the friend group. They cannot resist my charm and….they’re not even that close!
by Shaza Hafez