My hands move along the small of your back, my mind starts to wonder, as it always seems to do. Did I do this for anyone else? or is this moment a rare first, out of all the affection I have given to others. Is this a moment only we share?
then my mind wanders to where it always does
The thought floats and sits comfortably as it taunts me. How long until you leave? how long until my simple gestures of affection are not enough? until the curse of my personality sets in and my chest and my ass and my sometimes pretty face is overshadowed by the consequence of the actions. until you stop texting back straight away. until you cancel at the last minute. until you secretly steal back the t-shirt you gave me on our second date. until another replaces me.
At least then I can tell myself that you found someone else.
But what about when there is no one else?
when just the idea of spending time with me is unappealing enough to forsake affection and warmth in these winter months?
then i will be left as I always am.
to sell myself to each one who passes by and stops. sell my chest, my ass, my sometimes pretty face. sell moments of affection. Maybe I will remember this, and hold someone else in the same way. it will no longer be a moment between us only.
but as you lie there, falling asleep with the dim light of the road below the only source of brightness, I let my mind wander in the opposite direction.
What if you stay?
what if i finally am enough? that you see my sometimes pretty face and think it is the most beautiful in the world. if you hold me and care for me as my other half. if i introduce you to my parents, and we sit and eat as my mum serves the food, joking about how they never thought i would settle down. What if you were the last and the only person I will share affection with?
then maybe I will slowly start to fade away.
I settle into this new life with you and eventually become a mother and a wife. I do everything with you and I am never alone like I once was. and then I am sitting in our family living room with you next to me and think back to the first time I traced my name into your back. and what would have really happened if you had left back then.
and I return. I trace a heart as big as I can and turn over to the other side of the bed. I wait a moment and feel you wrap your arms around me from behind,
then I close my eyes.