Why men love me

  • I am 5’2
  • I am blonde (obviously fake, however they never know that because their braincells can’t fathom the concept of highlights)
  • I am skinny (but I have a fat ass)
  • I wear cute girly thrifted y2k clothes
  • I have no piercings that they can see
  • I have piercings for the skater boys (I hide my septum when needed)
  • I shave my entire body once a day because I am not liberated enough to like my own body hair although I am consistently preaching about it. But of course, they don’t know that. They think I just don’t have body hair.
  • I do not get periods!
  • I am on birth control
  • I am lowkey enough about my beliefs that they still think I am hot. No political drama, just yet!
  • I am the manic pixie dream girl in any 20 something man’s story.
  • I am a horny drunk, so they think that sleeping with me while drunk is not actually a sex crime with the ease of getting a quick lay!
  • I am a feminist but not to the extent where I will push you to critically engage with intersectional feminism. It’s okay if you don’t know bell hooks☺
  • I split the bill. God forbid a man pays for my meal when we are supposed to be in the age of #feminism and #equality. Why should he have to prove that he can provide?
  • I let my man pay the bill for when he feels insecure about his masculinity.
  • I loooooooove sex. But of course, only when he cums!
  • I reassure him that it’s really hard to make me cum not because he can’t find the clit that I repositioned him on five times, I just have a difficult woman body.
  • I have mid-size boobs, not too big so that I can’t be girlfriend material but not too small that you have to convince yourself that small boobs are your type.
  • I don’t manifest my mental illness; it is too early. For now, I am only a cute girl with some mild lana del rey sad girl vibes. The crying and dissociating will come later.
  • I am bisexual. But not in gross gay way, in a: “we can have three-somes” , “oh nice can we do it with my girl best friend” way.
  • I don’t have a gag reflex (not that it matters, their dicks are not that big).
  • I have a distorted vision of love and intimacy because of film and literature, big up Salley Rooney! So don’t worry, whatever you do I am going to fall in love anyways :P.
  • My mummy/daddy issues don’t manifest instantly.
  • I am not at that stage of my life (yet) where I relate to the cool girl monologue.

By Phoebe Owen & Anna Maria Papaoikonomou

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